To say that motherhood has been an easy transition for me would be a complete lie. But I did think it would be easier, or at least less hard, than it has been. Of course the first 2 months or so were really rough with Felicity's eating issues, refusal of nursing, and medical stuff we were dealing with. But even when pumping and feeding every 2-2.5 hours began to feel like the norm, I've still been struggling to basically do anything but care for her. And I know lots of people say "that's all you SHOULD be doing!", and I get that. But I guess I had this idea in my head that by the time my baby was a few months old, I would have it more together. I didn't picture the house not getting cleaned for weeks on end. I can keep it tidy, but not actually CLEAN which drives me insane. I didn't imagine the same clean laundry sitting there 4 days later waiting to be folded. I didn't picture her idyllic nursery looking more like a storage unit. And I didn't think in my wildest of dreams that I still wouldn't have it together enough to cook dinner. But there you have it; that's my life right now. And no one else seems to be bothered by it but me. But I'm really bothered by it. I like order and routines and schedules. I'm used to feeling like I have everything under control. The norm for me is having a to do list and knocking it out in one afternoon. So having 8 million things to get done and accomplishing approximately none of them as the baby cries while I'm pumping for the 6th time that day feels very out of control and disconcerting. I know that I need to accept this as my new normal, at least for a while. I know this is what people are referring to when they talk about their life in "seasons". But it's going to take me a while to get to a place of acceptance, of not beating myself up for the house looking like a mess, of not feeling guilty for being on the 10th week of eating freezer food. This is a part of motherhood that people seem to not talk about until you're in it, and then they're all telling you how normal it is. And I get that we don't want to scare people off who are considering having kids, but I think it would have been much more helpful to expect more of this in advance. I sort of imagined life just falling into place somewhere around the 6 week time frame and I'm seeing that it will probably be many more months before I can even clean the house to my standard. I know in the end I'll remember cuddling my baby and not that the floors are dirty. I know that. I'm working to embrace that and luckily my husband is nothing but supportive. He constantly responds to my distressed texts with "Take care of you and baby girl. Don't worry about the rest". Oh and "drink water". :) Because he just knows me that well. He is gone up to 12 hours a day and doesn't bat an eye at having to come home to another microwaved meal, laundry that isn't done, or to me handing him the baby for basically the rest of the evening.
I love Felicity more than life itself and I'm so happy to have her. I have way more fun and good times with her than I do bad, so please don't think I'm sitting here depressed day in and day out because that's not at all accurate. I just don't want to only post happy posts and pictures, and pretend that I'm floating through this. I also want to share with others who might be struggling but only see the prettied up posts of people who appear to have it all together. I'm over all generally happy; I'm just still working on getting used to this challenging, yet rewarding, phase of life!