Another example is that almost any time I make plans with someone who isn't a really close friend of mine, I am tempted to think of reasons to back out. And when I say I'll do something for work or church, I basically end up doing it because it's expected of me since I agreed, but I dread every second leading up to it. I'm not sure if it's commitment phobia or laziness or a little bit of both (probably), but it's a character flaw of mine that I really detest! I'm always envious of those people who just seem to naturally and genuinely want to do all the things they say they will. I find I have to put a lot of effort into it. Luckily, I don't like letting people down and I don't want my name dragged through mud, so many people don't even know this side of me. But I know it because I grapple with it All. The. Time.
Besides the things I listed above, here are some ways I've learned to deal with my own self ;) over the years:
- Think hard before committing to something. Do I feel like it's something I want to do and/or should do? Ie don't let myself get pushed into something because I'm kind of a pushover which does NOT mesh well with commitment phobia. I got pushed onto 2 committees at work recently so this is clearly a work in progress.
- But don't think for too long. I'm likely to talk myself out of it, even if it's something I want to do.
- Pray about it. Sometimes I feel like something is right and necessary but I just don't want to. I've found that God will not lead me astray. For example, I have been feeling the call to teach faith formation since I stopped in 2010. I kind of ignored it... I mean, that is a 9 month commitment! I finally prayed about it this past year and knew that I needed to sign on the proverbial dotted line, so I called the lady up the next day and *gulp* committed. Here's to the kidlet that I'll be helping prepare for sacraments this year! (And for the record, I never once missed a faith formation session! Luckily God and guilt are bigger than my commitment phobia!)
- Tell Steven about said activity/thoughts/plans. He's a reliable source. He'll tell me if I'm biting off more than I can chew, or if I need to put on my big girl pants and just do it already. He's way more honest with me than I am with myself, and that comes in handy, even if it might make me cringe sometimes.
- I remind myself why I'm doing what I said I would do. Because I said I would and I want people to know they can trust me, because it is helping someone else, because it is helping me, etc. Sometimes focusing less on what I'm doing and more on why I'm doing it helps me to stick it out for the long haul.
There's no real point to this post besides maybe that the list will serve as a reminder for me in the future; it just feels good to 'come clean'. And in an attempt to write realistically, I thought you should all know that I'm not as perfect as I seem. Muahaha... bwahahahahaha. That is all.