Dear Baby, 5/29/13
Today at the doctor, I learned that I may be writing to an actual baby after all. It hit me in the gut right when the doctor said it. Later I found out it hit daddy in the gut, too. The doctor said that I could be getting pregnant every month, but that due to possible endometriosis, you might not be able to implant. Talk about a dagger to the heart! And I will never know until I get to heaven if I have babies there, or how many babies I have there. It honestly makes the thought of heaven (which, oddly enough, I fear) to be more comforting to me. Imagine the homecoming I’ll have if you are there waiting for me! We would certainly make up for lost time. I think the hard part is not knowing. I’ve always loved when couples who have miscarried have prayed for the intercession of their tiny saint in heaven. I don’t know if we can do that because we don’t know if we have a baby in heaven or not. I guess it can never hurt.
Due to our travel plans this month (Alaska! Our last ‘hurrah’ before babies, I certainly hope), we are doing one more round of Clomid and then I’m having surgery, no ifs ands or buts. Last night was so rough on mommy. Everyone seems to have an opinion about surgery for endometriosis so I sat here crying, thinking how do I know who to trust??? Daddy and I eventually decided that our doctor has my best interests at heart, and we will continue to trust him.
When I checked in yesterday, his wife was working at the front desk. I’d never seen her working there before, but I know her from the NFP mass last year. As soon as she heard my name, she said “Oh he told me he saw you at Mass!” because he and his son had come to our church while in the area for hockey. I can’t tell you how good that made me feel.... that my doctor was excited to see me at Mass and told his wife about it. I struggle sometimes with my doctor choice because, when I chose him, I knew nothing about Dr. Hilgers in Omaha or Naprotechnology. Now I’m finding out that the doctor in Winston-Salem actually studied under Dr. Hilgers for a year before opening his practice, which is the only non-contraceptive, pro life practice in the state. But then I think... how cool would it be to be a patient of this doctor when he goes NFP only (which I really think, and pray!, is in his future). So I’m really hoping he is headed in the same direction as this other doctor. If you’re up there, how about doing some interceding for your parents and their doctor? :)