Dear Baby, 4/25/13
Hope is such a tricky thing. I know that hope grows faith, and that despair is not of God. So I try to be hopeful, and I pray daily for hope. I also pray for peace and grace. Hope that I will get pregnant, peace if I don’t, and the grace to handle this process. I really thought this cycle might be the one... that tricky cycle of mine has been lasting one day longer each time, just long enough to really make me imagine growing you in my belly and holding you in my arms. I saw a tiny baby curled up on her mother’s chest last night at Chickfila and my heart just ached for you. Daddy and I talked for a long time about fostering and adopting last night. We know that you will come into the world and to us the way you are meant to, but it’s scary for us right now to not know which path that will be. It’s scary to not know when to switch from one path to another. We are staying hopeful though, and know that really it hasn’t been that long. Some perfectly healthy couples try for months and months to conceive. If we were perfectly healthy, I don’t know that I’d bat an eye at 3 months. But knowing that the only reason my body is functioning each month is due to a medicine I can’t be on long term... boy, that adds a lot of pressure! I have to tell you though, baby, how great God is. Without Him, I think I’d be a shattered piece of glass during this process. When I feel too pained to pray much of anything, I just repeat my mantra of “Give me hope, peace, and grace” and He does. He really does. Your daddy is also a rock star. He doesn’t show his hope on his shirt sleeve the way I do, but I know it’s his way of protecting my heart. We have so much love to give you, baby.
Two letters in one day. How did you get so lucky? :) Mommy learned today that she has to have surgery very soon if she doesn’t get pregnant this next cycle. As scary as that was, and as awful as my day at work was (great combination, huh!?), it melted away when Daddy came home with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a big hug. I can’t wait for you to meet him.