Monday, July 8, 2013

Dear Baby: Letters to our Future Child #1

Welcome to a new series on my blog called "Dear Baby". We began seeking treatment in January to help us conceive as I am technically "infertile" (meaning I will not get pregnant without medical intervention). Luckily we have a fantastic Catholic doctor who can treat me based off my charts. Throughout the last 6 months, I haven't felt ready to write about it on such an open forum as a blog, so I started writing letters to our future baby about the process and my thoughts and feelings. I know that may seem a bit weird to some, but I found it very cathartic. I feel like I'm at a point where I'm ready to share this journey with others so I'll be posting the letters I've written, probably about once a week. If you comment, please remember that this is deeply personal, and to be gentle. As a warning for people experiencing infertility or subfertility, some of these posts may be triggering for you. Here is the first installment: 



Dear Baby, March 28, 2013

About two months ago, we went to the doctor to get put on Clomid in order for me to ovulate so we could get some testing done. He told us that he would only put us on Clomid if we were ok getting pregnant. We had to go home and talk about it because it was earlier than we had planned on. Daddy was really scared, but Mommy was ready. I didn’t want to waste any chances to bring you into this world. After heated talking, crying, discussing, and holding each other, we decided we were ok with pregnancy. A few days later, we decided to actively try to become pregnant. It was scary to decide, and even more scary when we had to say it out loud to our instructor only one day later! Poor Daddy barely had time to get used to the idea! Our emotions and anxieties were high, but we felt like it was what we were being called to do.

I got put on Clomid and successfully ovulated in February, but no baby. Mommy had a few needle sticks that cycle to check for ovulation. We tried again in March and this time I was getting stuck every day for 5 days, and then every other day for 10 days. It was emotionally exhausting, but I had hope. Even after a longer than normal luteal phase, no baby in March. So here we are again, at the end of March, starting our 3rd round of Clomid.

Daddy has to have testing done tomorrow, on Good Friday, to make sure everything is ok with him. It is a special kind of penance. If that all checks out ok, and we don’t get pregnant in the next few cycles, I will have to have surgery to see if anything else is wrong with me.

Baby, this is not what we had imagined. We hoped the road to you would be easy, breezy, fun, and fast. It’s only been 2 cycles, but I think all 4 of those words have already been crossed off our list. It’s not always romantic, is exhausting, and all the medical stuff is a bit degrading.... but you know what? It is also humbling. I am not control. Daddy is not in control. All we can do is try to improve our circumstances and pray like crazy, but our power ends there.

St. Gerard, pray for us.

Love,
Mommy

6 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing and being so honest and vulnerable with your readers. I recently wrote about our PCOS adventure on my blog
    http://bazinchronicles.blogspot.com/2013/06/wishin-and-hopin.html

    I thought about offering to include it in your PCOS link-up, but didn't think it fit the bill since it wasn't too heavy on the charting aspect of things. I hope these letters lead to a happy ending.

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  2. Thanks for sharing. I will be praying for you on this journey.

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  3. Stacy, that is so beautiful!! And someday, when you're blessed with a baby, and he/she is all grown up, this will be SO meaningful for him/her to know how much you wanted to add him/her to your lives. I can't think of better people to be parents!! I love you tons!!!!

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  4. I don't pretend to know what that cross is like but I also understand it can be a very heavy and difficult one to bear. Friends of mine went through three miscarriages before she gave birth to their son. They now have a daughter as well, but they were very open about their difficulties and it was just heartbreaking following them through their journey.

    I pray God bless you both soon.

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  5. That last paragraph was so cleary, succinctly, and sweetly said that I cried.

    Also, this reminds me of "Waitress" which I kind of love.

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  6. What a beautiful letter. I've done something similar: I picked up one of those baby books years ago at a yard sale, the kind you write in about yourself, your spouse, your family tree, etc., and then eventually about your pregnancy and the baby, and so on. Well, the baby hasn't come as quickly as we had hoped, so that book is tucked away for now (for ever?) but sometimes I get it out and write in it, and let my heart dream, and hope hope hope that one day a child of ours will read it.

    I pray very much that you and your husband are blessed with a child! (Also, "humbling" is such a perfect word when it comes to accepting that our fertility is not in our own hands...)

    (p.s. my blog is eccefiat11@blogspot.com - still haven't figured out how to hook it up to google!)

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