Thursday, December 27, 2012

On Being That Cheesy Married Couple

You know how sometimes you read or see something about marriage on a blog or facebook that makes you a little nauseous? Like, multiple posts about how awesome someone's husband is or pictures of someone's perfect marriage? And you're kind of like "Make it stop!". Yeah, I occasionally feel that way, too. And that makes me think twice sometimes when I post things about my marriage and my husband. I don't want people rolling their eyes or grabbing for the puke bucket (oh, you didn't have one of those growing up?). But here's what bothers me. I feel like it's socially acceptable to rag on your husband and people actually enjoy  that. We take this sick pleasure in being able to think, "Nice that their marriage isn't perfect either!" or "Ha, their husband does the same thing!". I'm including myself in all of this, just so you understand that I'm not pointing fingers. I have actually found myself making comments that I do not think or feel when people ask me "So, how do you like married life?" because I don't want to eye rolls or *knowing looks* if I respond, "I am loving it! Marriage is wonderful!" which, despite its imperfections, is exactly how I feel!

Anyway, I decided something a while ago but never stated it until now, because the thoughts have been evolving. I am going to try my absolute best not to talk badly about my husband or marriage. It's one thing to have an issue that my husband and I are having trouble working out, and turn to someone I love and trust for advice or feedback. But I don't want to be 'that wife' who routinely complains about her husband to her friends, or makes deprecating remarks about her husband and marriage. I don't want to further the societal norm of pushing husbands down, and including them in your child count- you know, "I have 2 kids... well, 3 including my husband". I don't want to whine about my husband's flaws to my girlfriends for the sake of 'girl talk' and then wonder why he doesn't take a leadership role in our household or why masculinity seems to be a thing of the past. I know that there are many contributions to the lack of strong, moral males today but I do think this is one of them. I don't want my husband to ever feel like he has to prove himself because I've cut him down. I don't want him having to be a jerk to me in front of people because I've belittled him to the point that it's the only way he feels he can get some of his manhood back.

Instead, I want to build him up. I want to go to him if there is an issue, and if I go to someone else, like I mentioned above, I will never do it without first going to him. Most importantly, I will never do it in a public forum. I want to try my hardest to honor my husband and my marriage, and be part of a growing movement to build our husbands up, to stop acting as if our husbands are children, and to show the world that the beauty of marriage doesn't mean that there aren't flaws or issues, but that we focus on the good and work on the bad.

So if you get sick of hearing me talk about my husband, please know that yes, we do have flaws and issues like everyone else, but that I'm not going to use social media as a place to belittle or unintentionally tear down the man I love, nor the institution of marriage. Know that when you see sweet things I write about him, that we are like most other couples, but that I choose to focus on the beauty of marriage, not the pitfalls. Please resist the urge to roll your eyes, because I'm not pretending that I have the perfect husband or perfect marriage, I'm just honoring what I do have. Try to push that thought of "Ha, she's only been married 8 months. Let's see how she feels in 8 years!" out of your head, because this is a standard I want to hold myself to, and if you see me slip because I'm sure I will at some point, (gently) call me on it!

This isn't a new or novel idea, and I know quite a few other women who feel the same way, and I hope it will someday be more common to hear women rave about their husbands rather than rant about them. I occasionally participate in the Wedded Bliss Wednesday link ups for this reason. I want to be a tiny part of showing the world the amazing things about marriage. We have enough examples in this world of negative examples without my adding to that.


  1. This is an awesome way to look at marriage! I love how you've pointed out how it's socially acceptable to belittle your husband and complain about him, but it's not acceptable to display how in love you are with him or how much you admire him. That's not the way the world should be.
    This is an excellent standard to set for myself, and one that I've also set on my blog!

  2. Amen sister! I completely agree. I find so many of my friends just complain about their significant other and I do my best to just build mine up instead of tear him down. He deserves it!

  3. Bravo. My wife does the same for me, and it means so much. Honestly, I wouldn't be married to anyone who displayed the typical attitude.

  4. Excellent post! One of the best pieces of advice I was given when I was newly married was just what you said. If you are mad at your husband and spout off to others about it, it is something they will likely remember and will color their view of him. Since you love your husband, you will forgive and forget and move on. The others may not. Certain things are best kept private.

    It seems as though your husband chose a great wife!!

  5. Bravo!! I'm not married but this is something that I heard a while back, it's something my priest talks about a lot and it's something I do intend to do when I get married, God willing. I wouldn't marry someone who I love and respect so why should I give that impression to the outside world.

  6. I absolutely LOVE this post Stacy! Thomas and I certainly don't have a perfect marriage, but I always try to build him up and not say anything negative about him in front of others. I am glad to hear you are the same because it makes me sad to hear others rag on their spouses or significant others. I hope you had a great Christmas!!! :)